We have been pretty lucky with next door neighbors. When we lived in Illinois, our next door neighbor was an older couple that had been in the neighborhood since it was first developed - 1978. They had two older kids who no longer lived with them and were very welcoming from the beginning. It was autumn when we first moved in and I was raking leaves when Daryl offered to let me use his leaf blower, out of the blue. The only negative, and it isn't really a negative, is that you couldn't help but feel like your lawn wasn't up to snuff. In the summer, it seemed like Darryl was mowing it at least three times a week, bagging the lawn clippings and weedwacking like a mad-man! In the fall, there wasn't even a single leaf on his lawn. He had a routine, blow the leaves, wait 20 minutes, blow the leaves again, wait 20 minutes, blow the leaves again. He would repeat this all through autumn. Just when autumn was about to end, he would then mow the lawn with the bagger on to ensure that even the tiniest leaf molecule was caught. Similarly, in winter, no matter how deep the snowfall or how cold it was, there was never a speck of ice or snow on his driveway. Even if I got up at 6 am, his driveway would look like it had been cleared for hours!
Perhaps the highlight of the year was the annual Christmas party. Every year they would throw this party and it was quite the fun time. They would ask people to bring side dishes but they would have all the main food catered, and they even arranged for Santa to come and visit the children. The other highlight is that he would convert his garage into a smoking den. It was a tradeoff between ventilation and heat, because it was Chicago in the middle of the winter. So he would have a kerosene heater on full blast and the garage door cracked with a window in the garage also cracked. He would set up a couple of card tables and folding chairs and even though it was chilly and somewhat uninviting, it seemed to attract a good deal of people. One of the few occasions I got to smoke a cigar! Even if you were not smoking, you probably got the equivalent in second hand smoke. I greatly enjoyed myself. After we had lived there for a couple of years, Daryl asked if he could park his cars in our driveway to facilitate the smoking lounge. How could I say no. Even though the parties usually ran pretty late, with a fair amount of booze consumed, he was always up at something like 4:30 in the morning to make sure that we were not blocked in!
Our new next door neighbors are an older couple, probably in their 70s-80s. One day last week, they invited us to come over for some sort of get together. I first met Wally a couple of months back when we had our one significant snowfall. We got about 8 inches, which is a lot for this area, and it was pretty heavy and wet. I was out shoveling. Wally came out with this little electric snowthrower. Amazingly, it handled the job pretty well. You couldn't go full speed with it, but it was definitely faster than a shovel. So Wally did a little bit of his driveway, and then told me he was going to go upstairs to sleep for a bit, but that he would leave his snowthrower out and I was welcome to use it. By this time I had almost finished my driveway, but I figured I would give it a shot. Apparently, old Wally was not really into replacing extension cords, because the first time I went to move the cord I got a pretty good shock. After that, I tried to use a stick or something insulated, but still got a shock here and there. I wonder if Wally had just got used to it.
Interestingly, when Wally's wife had suggested it to my wife, she had made it very clear that we were coming over for snacks only, that there would absolutely not be a meal. So we prepared accordingly. It was an interesting afternoon. First, they must have set the thermostat at 85+! It was amazingly warm. Even more amazing, they were both wearing pants and long sleeves, in fact Wally was even wearing a tie! I have come to realize that the old guy loves wearing a tie, I have rarely seen him without one. So we settled in to have some wine and cheese, and Wally really liked to let the vino flow! It seemed like he was gulping down glasses. I think he is a pretty funny guy anyway, but with the booze in his system he was cracking me up. He was telling stories about his youth and how he had been quite the player and his pursuit of his now wife. He also had not gotten the memo about the no meal policy because after we had been there for a couple of hours, he suggested that we should keep the party going by ordering a pizza! We begged off, since we were really pretty hot by now and the girls seemed to be getting bored. However, he then told a great joke. I hope I can do it justice here. He explained that the college he went to, primarily male, allowed you to take certain classes at the predominately female college. You had to get a pass though, called an inter-school pass. He then deadpanned that "after a few weeks the word 'school' was dropped from the name!"
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Unexpected
Growing up, I never really thought about having kids. I wasn't really for it or against it, just something that I didn't think about. And now I have two little girls and know most of the lines to Frozen and watched the Cinderella movie when it first came out.
Bella was small when she was first born, just about 5 pounds. When she was first born she wasn't breathing, they had to give her oxygen before I could hold her for the first time. But, she was perfect. For the first few months, she was no different than other newborns, she spent most of her time either sleeping or eating. Interestingly, she spent almost no time crawling, she transitioned from rolling to walking very quickly. She was walking at 7 months.
Then, as she got older, she didn't seem to hit all the milestones that you read about in those books. Before having a child, I could not have cared less about how some book said to live your life. In fact, I would take pride in doing it differently than the book said. But, with a child, you feel so helpless and everything seems so new. They depend on you for everything and it is terrifying that you have no idea what is going on. So you turn to these books for reassurance. If your child is an outlier, you immediately fear for the worst.
It was clear from an early age that there was a lot going on inside Bella's head. She loved playing with toys and could concentrate for far longer than she was supposed to be able to. It was also clear that she had no intention of letting us in. She liked being held, she was very affectionate, but she had no interest in communicating. At first, that didn't matter, but as she began to have her own wants and desires, her lack of ability to communicate meant that she would simply fly into a tantrum if her needs were not meant. We tried to adjust, but it was hard. I hated seeing her sad. Sad doesn't really describe it, she would go into a full meltdown. One time we went on a simple trip to a local horse farm near our home. We had been there before and Bella loved it. This time something was different. It was cold and she needed to wear a jacket. She resisted at first and I tried to coax her into it. It only escalated from there. She started crying so hard she could hardly breathe, kicking and fighting and screaming all because we tried to make her wear a jacket in the winter. Perhaps she didn't like the color, perhaps she didn't like the way it felt against her skin. Regardless, she couldn't tell us. Kids don't have poker faces. You can tell their emotion at an instance. Which is why you can't help but smile when a baby or a toddler is laughing, no matter how you may be feeling. Similarly, it rips you to the core to see a child so upset and angry that their face is flushed and their face is streaked with tears.
Finally, we relented. I simply held her and wrapped her up in my jacket. The worst part is that you feel constantly judged. You feel judged when your child is crying uncontrollably and running away from you just because you want to put her jacket on. Then you feel judged because you are carrying a child who can easily walk and she is not wearing a jacket in the middle of winter.
Eventually, we had to address the elephant in the room. Tuyen and I had both been reading about Autism, but neither one had brought it up to the other. Tuyen took her into the school to be evaluated, and they confirmed what we had suspected. Still, it was devastating. We could no longer hope that we were wrong or that this would just pass. Fortunately, she started getting the help that she needed. The first thing I noticed is that they had taught her not only that she had to wear a jacket, but she actually wanted to put it on now. The teachers explained that unlike me, they had not relented. They had given her an ultimatum, if she wanted to play outside, she had to wear the jacket. I guess I wish I could have been stronger and not let her cries and tears affect me the way they did. But I wasn't.
Looking back now at age 7, she has progressed so much. She interacts with people, tells us about her day at school and just had a birthday party. She is in a regular class and only occasionally needs help. I think she will always be a bit different than most in the crowd, but she gets those genetics from me. I was never diagnosed with anything when I was younger but I remember greatly enjoying being on my own and spending lots of time alone. I remember I didn't have much control over my emotions, sometimes the smallest thing would make me burst into tears, like getting a bad grade on a spelling test or someone calling me names. I never really felt the need to make friends. Even now, I feel awkward in a lot of social interactions, particularly with strangers. Its hard to look them in the eye and I will never be the type of guy that can work the room at a party. When you are very young, I guess everyone is a stranger.
I know family and others that are close to me are sometimes frustrated about my ability to express myself. For instance, I probably could not have told this story aloud to anyone, even my wife. So I hope it goes with Bella. I have to have confidence that she will find her own way in the world.
More importantly, I have to accept it. Recently I heard a great podcast about Autism. The beginning of the podcast was a success story in autism, how a family had managed to get their son out of his shell and engage with them, even on a small level. While this was uplifting and in many ways mirrored our success story with Bella, the most powerful part was a doctor that had spent a great deal of time in the field. He had an adult son with autism, far more severe than Bella's. He explained that in most cases there are no success stories and Autism rips families apart. His son was celebrating his 19th birthday party and still had to wear diapers.
He was right, it almost did rip our family apart. If Tuyen and I were equally strong, it would have ripped us apart. Fortunately, she was so much stronger and I feel terrible that I made her shoulder most of the burden. Early on, I could not even talk about Bella's condition without sobbing. I just wasn't ready to face it. When we would go into meet with the teachers, I would hide in the corner, pretending to play with our youngest so that they wouldn't be able to see my face. Tuyen had to handle the difficult conversations about where she was succeeding and where she was struggling. Of course this made it much harder for Tuyen because she couldn't talk to me about it. So it was yesterday, when Tuyen spent her entire Mother's day making sure Bella's party would be perfect for Bella. Making sure everyone's needs would be met. Perhaps this should be in a card for her and not here - but thank you for truly being a mother and making us the family we are.
Bella was small when she was first born, just about 5 pounds. When she was first born she wasn't breathing, they had to give her oxygen before I could hold her for the first time. But, she was perfect. For the first few months, she was no different than other newborns, she spent most of her time either sleeping or eating. Interestingly, she spent almost no time crawling, she transitioned from rolling to walking very quickly. She was walking at 7 months.
Then, as she got older, she didn't seem to hit all the milestones that you read about in those books. Before having a child, I could not have cared less about how some book said to live your life. In fact, I would take pride in doing it differently than the book said. But, with a child, you feel so helpless and everything seems so new. They depend on you for everything and it is terrifying that you have no idea what is going on. So you turn to these books for reassurance. If your child is an outlier, you immediately fear for the worst.
It was clear from an early age that there was a lot going on inside Bella's head. She loved playing with toys and could concentrate for far longer than she was supposed to be able to. It was also clear that she had no intention of letting us in. She liked being held, she was very affectionate, but she had no interest in communicating. At first, that didn't matter, but as she began to have her own wants and desires, her lack of ability to communicate meant that she would simply fly into a tantrum if her needs were not meant. We tried to adjust, but it was hard. I hated seeing her sad. Sad doesn't really describe it, she would go into a full meltdown. One time we went on a simple trip to a local horse farm near our home. We had been there before and Bella loved it. This time something was different. It was cold and she needed to wear a jacket. She resisted at first and I tried to coax her into it. It only escalated from there. She started crying so hard she could hardly breathe, kicking and fighting and screaming all because we tried to make her wear a jacket in the winter. Perhaps she didn't like the color, perhaps she didn't like the way it felt against her skin. Regardless, she couldn't tell us. Kids don't have poker faces. You can tell their emotion at an instance. Which is why you can't help but smile when a baby or a toddler is laughing, no matter how you may be feeling. Similarly, it rips you to the core to see a child so upset and angry that their face is flushed and their face is streaked with tears.
Finally, we relented. I simply held her and wrapped her up in my jacket. The worst part is that you feel constantly judged. You feel judged when your child is crying uncontrollably and running away from you just because you want to put her jacket on. Then you feel judged because you are carrying a child who can easily walk and she is not wearing a jacket in the middle of winter.
Eventually, we had to address the elephant in the room. Tuyen and I had both been reading about Autism, but neither one had brought it up to the other. Tuyen took her into the school to be evaluated, and they confirmed what we had suspected. Still, it was devastating. We could no longer hope that we were wrong or that this would just pass. Fortunately, she started getting the help that she needed. The first thing I noticed is that they had taught her not only that she had to wear a jacket, but she actually wanted to put it on now. The teachers explained that unlike me, they had not relented. They had given her an ultimatum, if she wanted to play outside, she had to wear the jacket. I guess I wish I could have been stronger and not let her cries and tears affect me the way they did. But I wasn't.
Looking back now at age 7, she has progressed so much. She interacts with people, tells us about her day at school and just had a birthday party. She is in a regular class and only occasionally needs help. I think she will always be a bit different than most in the crowd, but she gets those genetics from me. I was never diagnosed with anything when I was younger but I remember greatly enjoying being on my own and spending lots of time alone. I remember I didn't have much control over my emotions, sometimes the smallest thing would make me burst into tears, like getting a bad grade on a spelling test or someone calling me names. I never really felt the need to make friends. Even now, I feel awkward in a lot of social interactions, particularly with strangers. Its hard to look them in the eye and I will never be the type of guy that can work the room at a party. When you are very young, I guess everyone is a stranger.
I know family and others that are close to me are sometimes frustrated about my ability to express myself. For instance, I probably could not have told this story aloud to anyone, even my wife. So I hope it goes with Bella. I have to have confidence that she will find her own way in the world.
More importantly, I have to accept it. Recently I heard a great podcast about Autism. The beginning of the podcast was a success story in autism, how a family had managed to get their son out of his shell and engage with them, even on a small level. While this was uplifting and in many ways mirrored our success story with Bella, the most powerful part was a doctor that had spent a great deal of time in the field. He had an adult son with autism, far more severe than Bella's. He explained that in most cases there are no success stories and Autism rips families apart. His son was celebrating his 19th birthday party and still had to wear diapers.
He was right, it almost did rip our family apart. If Tuyen and I were equally strong, it would have ripped us apart. Fortunately, she was so much stronger and I feel terrible that I made her shoulder most of the burden. Early on, I could not even talk about Bella's condition without sobbing. I just wasn't ready to face it. When we would go into meet with the teachers, I would hide in the corner, pretending to play with our youngest so that they wouldn't be able to see my face. Tuyen had to handle the difficult conversations about where she was succeeding and where she was struggling. Of course this made it much harder for Tuyen because she couldn't talk to me about it. So it was yesterday, when Tuyen spent her entire Mother's day making sure Bella's party would be perfect for Bella. Making sure everyone's needs would be met. Perhaps this should be in a card for her and not here - but thank you for truly being a mother and making us the family we are.
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